it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
