i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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