We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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