I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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