my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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