you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
