I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
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