On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
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