I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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