I'm eating all of the evidence.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
