So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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