I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
