I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
