Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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