is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
