Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Dicks are not precious.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize