they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
