if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
