remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
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