seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
