I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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