i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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