I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize