I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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