happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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