and you said cock pushups were impossible
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
