I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
