Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
