life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
