I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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