my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
