All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize