He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
