I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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