Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
