there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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