i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
