There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
