I think my vagina is haunted
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
