If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
