Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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