I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
