This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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