Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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