I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
