I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
