Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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