I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
