We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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