I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
