Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
