Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Randomize
