Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
