So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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