Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
handjob tips. give me some.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
