my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
