you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
