why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You're a waste of cheezeits
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
