Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
