If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize